If I Never Knew You
by ChibiJaime
Summary: Following a battle, the party must wait as Miroku recovers from a serious injury. Sango, however, finds herself thinking more than she feels she should... MirokuxSango. R&R appreciated and encouraged.


{/Author's Note: No thanks to my friend Kaycee, I've been on a bit of an Inuyasha kick. Before anyone asks, I have never really watched more than three episodes of the English dub (*cough* I kinda really don't like it). All of what I've seen is fansubbed (eps 1-4, 35-48, 65, 89, 99, and 102-119), and beyond that, I've read some of the manga. But anyway.  
  
I am, without shame, a devout supporter of MirokuxSango. I love to angst people. So, here we have a lovely little angst-fic. I feel bad for Sango. I really do./}  
  
~=~If I Never Knew You~=~  
  
/If I never knew you,/  
  
/If I never felt this love,/  
  
/I would have no inkling of/  
  
/How precious life can be./  
  
/And, if I never held you,/  
  
/I would never have a clue/  
  
/How, at last, I'd find in you/  
  
/The missing part of me.../  
  
Rain. Why did it always rain on days like this? Sango stared silently out the window of the run-down hut, few sounds around her than those of her sleeping comrades. Sleeping off weariness, worry, and - in the case of Inuyasha - injuries. Kirara sat perched upon her shoulder.  
  
No... not just her comrades. She could hear Miroku's labored breathing. She had volunteered to stay up and watch him as he slowly recovered from a rather severe blow to the chest, suffered protecting her. For once, an injury more severe than those Inuyasha normally sustained. Of course, the monk had fervently insisted the injury was nothing, even when he could hardly move enough to raise his arms. He just smiled weakly, occasionally turning his eyes towards Sango to watch her, until he had dozed off.  
  
"...You can go to sleep, you know."  
  
Sango's eyes shot back to the supposedly-sleeping monk, now seen to be quite awake. He was still having trouble breathing, but he was trying to sit up. "...Houshi-sama... I can't go to sleep with you injured like that. Now, please... don't try to move." She shifted to sit on her knees beside him as she pushed his shoulder gently down against the mat. "You need to rest."  
  
Miroku shook his head a little, but he did as he was instructed, leaning back and allowing his head to rest against the fabric folded up as a crude pillow. His eyes did not close, however. He just stared aimlessly at the ceiling, occasionally letting out what passed for a vague sigh. "...Sango, please. Sleep. I can't rest knowing you aren't sleeping soundly."  
  
A choking silence came to rest over the room. Sango didn't know what to say. Her eyes shifted to look outside, and after a long moment, she got quickly to her feet. "It's stopped raining. I'm going to go get you some water... please try to rest, Houshi-sama."  
  
Without another word, she hustled out of the room, Kirara bounding along at her heels. Miroku watched after her, one hand clenching and unclenching, the crippling pain shooting through his chest and shoulders as he did. He had done nothing, really, to offend her lately... but it seemed to him that Sango was increasingly tense around him. Sighing softly, he closed his eyes, deciding to try to get some sleep. It was all he could do.  
  
*****  
  
The next day was no better. Still suffering from the injury, it was dangerous to move Miroku about. So, the small party stayed as they were, silent and waiting, but none so silent as Sango. She sat outside on a rock by a small stream, gently scratching Kirara's ears, normally bright eyes dull and contemplative. She hardly noticed when Kagome came up beside her. "...Sango-chan?"  
  
Sango jumped, startled into peering up at her friend, before a little sigh crossed her lips. "Oh, Kagome-chan... you startled me. I didn't hear you."  
  
"That's unusual," Kagome commented with a concerned frown. "You're usually very attentive." She paused long enough to sit down next to Sango, there being just barely enough room for both of them. "That's actually what has me worried. Since Miroku-sama's injury, you haven't been yourself at all. You sort of... mope around. It's very odd for you."  
  
For a moment, Sango said nothing. She simply stared at the water in the stream, eyes fixated on the ripples and the occasional fish that swam by. Some time passed before she finally just smiled, looking up towards Kagome. "It's nothing. I'm just worried... he is a companion, after all."  
  
Kagome did not appear convinced in the slightest. The frown she gave Sango simply emphasized that point. "Sango-chan... come on. There's more to this than you're telling." When Sango did not reply, Kagome sighed, getting to her feet. "Well... then... if you want to talk, you can ask me, all right? It can be a just-between-girls kind of thing."  
  
A little smile marked her departure, and Sango sighed. What kept swirling in her mind just then were thoughts... little things... the jealousy she felt when Miroku came on to a girl he met, the tense concern when he was injured, her instant paranoia for his safety whenever he used the kazaana. Worse and worse, creeping further and further, feelings burrowing themselves into her heart too deep. She couldn't allow this to happen... Miroku was a man of no convictions, let alone the sanctity of mind to allow him to choose just one woman to love.  
  
No...  
  
She stood up, still holding Kirara.  
  
She had thought she was in love with him. She could not let that be.  
  
*****  
  
The day passed, and the next began. Miroku's condition had not improved... if anything, it had worsened. A fever had complicated his recovery, and he slept fitfully. Sango sat at his side as Kagome took Inuyasha to gather herbs. Nearby, Shippou and Kirara slept.  
  
The truth had always been right there, of course. Things like this were bound to happen. It was even likely that this could kill the monk... kill him before his curse could, kill him before he could ever be able to...  
  
Her breath caught in her throat as she forced the thought out of her head. Miroku would not die. He was young, and strong. He had stood tall in the face of a death far more ghastly than a sickness or an injury... something like this would not, COULD not, kill him.  
  
Sighing, she picked up a damp cloth from a small bowl of water beside her, pressing it gently to Miroku's forehead. He made a soft sound, then shifted as his eyes lifted to her. "...Thank you... that feels good..."  
  
"Oh... houshi-sama... you're awake..." Sango swallowed hard, letting a smile turn up her lips. "How are you feeling?"  
  
A soft groan answered her at first. "Worse." Those dark eyes turned to her, an intensity in them not dulled by the sickness that had taken him in his moment of weakness. "...Sango..."  
  
"...Eh...?"  
  
"You seem... different. I don't... I don't sense the usual hostility from you... no jealousy, no anger..." He paused, turning his eyes to the ceiling. "...You seem genuinely concerned... for me. For my health."  
  
There was a pause there that could have killed if it were anything but what it was. That air of tension had returned, and Sango was not certain she wanted it there. She just turned her head away... she couldn't look at him. "Of course I am. You're a comrade... and more, a friend. It hurts... when someone you know so well is threatened--..."  
  
"What would you do if I died?"  
  
Sango could have sworn her heart lurched in her chest, eyes flying wide as a blush found its way to her cheeks, the sudden interruption startling her. "...Houshi-sama, why do you say such things?! You are not going to die from this!"  
  
"Answer me, Sango." His tone was stern, but still somehow gentle, and in his condition, it sounded somewhat pleading. "Please."  
  
She had no idea how to respond, and no clue of if she should. One slender hand pressed against her chest as she shifted uncomfortably, not lifting her eyes to meet his steady gaze. "...I don't know..." The sound of soft bickering caught Sango's attention just barely, and she used it as a distraction, turning to look out the window. A smile returned to her face. "Ah... Kagome-chan and Inuyasha are back! I'd best help them with the herbs... I won't be long, so please try to sleep, houshi-sama."  
  
Before he could protest, she was on her feet and out the door, and he sighed. Now he was certain she was avoiding him.  
  
*****  
  
The more Miroku's condition continued to steadily improve following the sudden scare, the less Sango stayed around him. Concerned for his health as she was, she knew those questions would return if she stayed by him. With a sigh, she finally decided. She had to talk to someone... get this off her back. Make the feelings go away.  
  
And so, she walked in silence towards the small shelter they were staying in, pushing open the door and poking her had inside. "Ne, Kagome-chan..."  
  
"Hm?" The girl lifted her head from talking with Miroku and Inuyasha, focusing her attention on Sango. "Do you need something, Sango-chan?"  
  
Sango chewed on her lip for a moment, then nodded. "Could I speak with you outside, please?"  
  
After a pause, Kagome nodded, getting to her feet. Excusing herself, she followed Sango outside, both of them walking towards the nearby stream. "What's wrong, Sango-chan? Is something bothering you?"  
  
"...The point of the matter is, I really don't know."  
  
"I noticed you'd been avoiding Miroku-sama."  
  
Sango bit her lip. "I suppose that was rather obvious of me."  
  
Kagome nodded, but she placed her hand on Sango's shoulder. "It's about him. Isn't it? Did he do something? Say something? Was he worse than usual?"  
  
To each question, Sango only shook her head. "He told me... he noticed I was concerned. And he asked me what I would do if he died."  
  
The finality of the statement cause Kagome to stop dead in her tracks, staring at Sango as if she had just told her Miroku HAD died. "...Why... would he ask something like that...?"  
  
"To test me, perhaps," Sango responded quietly, turning slightly as Kirara bounded up the path from a short hunt. She picked up the small cat demon, cuddling it close. "I... I feel so strange about him." Her jaw set as tears came to her eyes. "I want to see him smile... I worry constantly about what will happen to him... if he fails succeed in his mission. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have let myself become attached..."  
  
After a moment, Kagome smiled, reaching out to hug her friend gently as Kirara made its way to her shoulder. Sango's whole form started to shake, barely supressing tears of what very well could have been realization. "It's not a matter of letting yourself, Sango-chan. Things like this... happen." /Like it did to me./ "Sango-chan... you love him, don't you?"  
  
There came the question again. That same question she had been asking herself for days. Did she love him? She crumpled under her own weight, sinking to her knees with Kagome following as a support. Tears came for reasons she didn't understand, and her hands clenched in the fabric of Kagome's shirt sleeves. "I don't want to love him! Things will never change with him, he... he'll never look at me the way I want him to... there will always be another girl, someone far more beautiful than me..."  
  
Kagome frowned a little, just hugging her friend as months of frustration and tension finally wore too thin on an already troubled mind. Several long minutes passed before Sango finally quieted, sitting up to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry, Kagome-chan... that was uncharacteristic of me..."  
  
"Everyone needs to cry a little sometimes," Kagome said with a smile, giving Sango's shoulder a comforting squeeze. "You had every right."  
  
Sango nodded in response, Kirara rubbing against her cheek with a chirrup of encouragement. "...I just... this feels out of place. If he knew any of this, he would..." She stopped, eyes lifting abruptly. There behind Kagome stood Miroku, leaning heavily on his staff as a support. His eyes were fixed on her, and he looked unhappy. "...Houshi-sama..."  
  
"Must you call me that?" The monk sighed, sinking to sit on the ground. "Sango, if it's all right with you, I would like to speak with you alone for a while."  
  
Kagome's eyes drifted to Sango, waiting for a response from her. When Sango nodded, Kagome did as well, getting to her feet. With a wave, she walked back towards the small house, where Inuyasha was yelling at Shippou for something or another.  
  
Once again, that silence that Sango hated so much rested over her. She sighed deeply, lifting her eyes to the monk. "What is it you wanted to speak with me about, houshi-sama?"  
  
"I heard you crying while I was walking around by the hut. Is it wrong for me to be concerned? You're not hurt, are you?"  
  
She shook her head. "I'm not hurt. But..." She frowned, though she didn't really want to. "What you said the other day... you asked me... what I would do if you died... and I told you the answer once before. If you had died that day, I would have willingly walked into the abyss with you. I have not changed my mind."  
  
Miroku blinked, then started to laugh. It was a soft sound, kept low by his chest injury, but he really was laughing. Not forced, not faked... a real, honest to goodness laugh. "Sango... you acted as if you had forgotten that, after you had said it."  
  
Sango could've shrunk into the ground right then. Had she totally forgotten her attempt at feigning forgetting something said in a moment of shock? That blush rose to her cheeks and she lifted her hands to cover her face. "Houshi-sama, I..."  
  
Before she could continue, she felt his hands on her shoulders. He pulled her foreward into a gentle hug, careful both about how he held her and how she rested against his injured chest. Her head was tucked beneath his chin, and while one hand rested in her hair, the one draped with prayer beads rested against the small of her back. For once, he was not attempting to grope her. He simply sat like that. "Don't cry for me anymore, Sango. My fate is my own... not yours to bear. Even if that fate is to lay down my life to protect you."  
  
Sango was silent for a moment before her hand moved to grip the shoulder of his robe. "...I don't want you to die. I..."  
  
Miroku leaned back with a shake of his head, the hand that had been resting in her hair moving to press one of his fingers to her lips. "Don't say it. It's not something that needs to be said. But know this, Sango, I will do what I can to make sure you never have to cry for my sake again."  
  
The taija-ya practically wilted. Her shoulders trembled violently as, against her will, tears came to her eyes once more. With a soft sigh, Miroku drew her close again, letting her sob against his shoulder as she worked out the emotions so violently whirling in her mind. Her hands clenched in the fabric of the robe, tight as she could manage, shoulders heaving with each sob. And finally, she choked out words that she thought would never come.  
  
"...I love you..."  
  
No words were said for a moment, but after a moment, Miroku smiled, pressing his lips softly against the top of her head. "...I know." His arms tightened just that much around her. "I know..."  
  
A long time passed before Sango finally calmed enough to take in a deep breath, sitting up to look directly at Miroku. "Houshi-sama..."  
  
Once again, the young monk laughed, lightly poking Sango's nose. "I told you... you don't have to call me that." Then, he held up one finger, a rather matter-of-fact expression upon his face. "Of course, I can't ask you to bear my child just yet. It would not be right to have a child on such a dangerous journey. No, no, don't try to get me to change my mind. We'll have to wait until AFTER Naraku is dead."  
  
Both of them smiled, then started to laugh. It was as if a weight lifted from both of their shoulders, giving them room to breathe for the first time in years. After a moment, they were watched, as Kirara was rather confused as to what was happening.  
  
At the front of the small old house, sitting on the front steps, Kagome and Inuyasha watched, Shippou perched upon Kagome's shoulder. Kagome couldn't help but smile... both of them seemed so happy. She beamed and turned towards her dog-eared companion. "Ne, Inuyasha. Isn't it good to see them like this?"  
  
"I s'pose," was Inuyasha's gruff response. "At least they're not gonna be moping around anymore."  
  
Kagome just smiled, her eyes turning back towards her friends. Inuyasha may not have seen it, but she did. Perhaps... perhaps now, this journey would start to look up...  
  
A new determination shown in Miroku and Sango's eyes as they walked back up the path towards their friends. A new determination to defeat Naraku, so that they may continue living... all of them, together.  
  
That thought by itself renewed their hope... and they knew they must move on.  
  
One day, they would defeat Naraku. Today, they just wanted to live.  
  
/And, if I never knew you,/  
  
/I'd have lived my whole life through.../  
  
/Empty as the sky,/  
  
/Never knowing why.../  
  
/Lost forever,/  
  
/If I never knew you./  
  
~=~End~=~ 


End file.
